Upon further review, Payton sent to isolation
By Damian Tatum
and Nathan Thompson
The Levee Screw-Dat writers
After a “careful review” lasting approximately 45 seconds, NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell rejected the appeals of Saints coaches’ suspensions and instead increased Sean Payton’s punishment to one year locked in a high security isolation cell deep beneath the Algiers courthouse.
Saints coach Sean Payton will spend the next year deep in the bowels of the old Algiers courthouse and fed only bits of information about the football season.
“We felt that the attempt to file an appeal showed a lack of respect for the institutional justice the NFL had imposed, which necessitated the increased punishment,” Goodell said, noting that he would oversee Payton’s detention personally.
“We’ve tried to study him, of course, but he’s much too sophisticated for the standard tests like the Wonderlic test our scientists have developed. A year in my care will allow Coach Payton to come to understand the importance of safety,” Goodell said.
During his imprisonment, Payton will spend 24 hours a day in a damp stone cell with a single plexiglass wall bearing a slot through which he will be fed and given weekly divisional rankings during the 2012 season.
Hours after Goodell sealed Payton within his chamber, reporters were given brief access to see the coach in his new surroundings, though there were significant restrictions on contacting him.
“Do not touch the glass. Do not approach the glass. You pass him nothing but soft paper – no pencils or pens. No staples or paperclips in his paper. Use the sliding food carrier, no exceptions. It is for your own safety. You have no idea how cunningly dangerous he is,” Goodell said, flanked by burly NFL referee and warden Ed Hochuli.
“If he attempts to pass you anything, do not accept it. It could be offensive play diagrams, or maybe bounty payments.”
The photo opportunity ended before a picture could be taken. Payton said only “Hello Clarice,” and upon smacking his gum, caused even grizzled members of the media to flee in terror.
Despite the maximum security, Payton was able to smuggle in a pack of Juicy Fruit on his person. Warden Hochuli said the gum was contraband, and could not explain its presence, but also conceded no one would be going in to get it.
In Payton’s absence and with the withdrawal of retired coach Bill Parcells from consideration to replace him in 2012, the Saints’ head coaching position is up in the air.
Anonymous sources have suggested delays in arranging a long-term deal for Drew Brees have been caught on negotiations to have him serve as both quarterback and interim coach in 2012.
“Drew likes being in control, and he knows the playbook as well as anyone, but they’d have to double his salary and find a place to stow a challenge flag and a play sheet on his uniform,” the source said. “They were pretty far apart on that.”
