Amanda McAllister, cheer co-captain and president of Class of 2012 at Woodrow Wilson High School in Metairie, opened fire on a table of misfits and outcasts in the cafeteria at lunch Wednesday.

Two of the losers were injured, while five other dweebs escaped unharmed in the rampage by the popular and attractive assailant.

Amanda McAllister of Metairie posted this perfect picture of herself on her Facebook pag before the popular cheeleader unleased her fury upon a group of losers at her high school.

School officials admitted they were baffled by the incident, as McAllister had been one of the school’s most social and outgoing students, and was presumed not to know the losers even existed, much less harbor an intention to murder them.

Nerd David Mason, known among his friends as “Mage,” witnessed the attack.

“She strode into the cafeteria and took off her sunglasses, tossing her long, golden hair over her shoulder. She pulled a pearl-handled pistol out of her mini Prada backpack and aimed it at our table. We looked up from our game of Magic: The Gathering, and she said, ‘You never let me be one of you. Now it’s time for you to be, like, eliminated.’” Mason said.

“Then she started shooting. But I guess the gun only held one bullet at a time, so she had to do a lot of reloading. It was weird, terrifying, and slow,” Mason said.

The gaming club members and art freaks said they had no idea McAllister wanted to socialize with them.

“She has so many cheerleading and student government friends. Why would she want to hang out with us?” Gretchen Saunders said, tugging at her wolf T-shirt.

However, sources close to McAllister said she had long harbored resentment against the losers for “making fun of me for being awesome.”

“Amanda is very focused, cheerful, and high-achieving. She has a smile for everyone and is usually in a good mood,” Principal Gerald Schumaker said.

“In retrospect, all of that is highly suspect,” Schumaker said.

“Her incessant cheerfulness was just creepy,” said Melissa Abernathy, one of McAllister’s classmates.

“Anyone could have told you she was a psycho. No sane person smiles that much. God.”

The shooting event has changed the way school social workers attempt to identify the next potential assailant, according to members of the school’s administration.

While counselors once sought conferences with social misfits in trench coats and combat boots, they now have their eyes on the brightest of the social butterflies.

School counselor Nettie Jameson said, “It’s unnatural for someone to be so successful in all the areas of her life and not be seriously disturbed. Of course, there was darkness underneath all that false light. Maybe the nerds and losers are simply more honest about facing crushing reality with eyeliner, sarcasm, and extremely questionable choices in jewelry.”

By Damian Tatum
and Nathan Thompson
The Levee Screw-Dat writers

After a “careful review” lasting approximately 45 seconds, NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell rejected the appeals of Saints coaches’ suspensions and instead increased Sean Payton’s punishment to one year locked in a high security isolation cell deep beneath the Algiers courthouse.

Saints coach Sean Payton will spend the next year deep in the bowels of the old Algiers courthouse and fed only bits of information about the football season.

“We felt that the attempt to file an appeal showed a lack of respect for the institutional justice the NFL had imposed, which necessitated the increased punishment,” Goodell said, noting that he would oversee Payton’s detention personally.

“We’ve tried to study him, of course, but he’s much too sophisticated for the standard tests like the Wonderlic test our scientists have developed. A year in my care will allow Coach Payton to come to understand the importance of safety,” Goodell said.

During his imprisonment, Payton will spend 24 hours a day in a damp stone cell with a single plexiglass wall bearing a slot through which he will be fed and given weekly divisional rankings during the 2012 season.

Hours after Goodell sealed Payton within his chamber, reporters were given brief access to see the coach in his new surroundings, though there were significant restrictions on contacting him.

“Do not touch the glass. Do not approach the glass. You pass him nothing but soft paper – no pencils or pens. No staples or paperclips in his paper. Use the sliding food carrier, no exceptions. It is for your own safety. You have no idea how cunningly dangerous he is,” Goodell said, flanked by burly NFL referee and warden Ed Hochuli.

“If he attempts to pass you anything, do not accept it. It could be offensive play diagrams, or maybe bounty payments.”
The photo opportunity ended before a picture could be taken. Payton said only “Hello Clarice,” and upon smacking his gum, caused even grizzled members of the media to flee in terror.

Despite the maximum security, Payton was able to smuggle in a pack of Juicy Fruit on his person. Warden Hochuli said the gum was contraband, and could not explain its presence, but also conceded no one would be going in to get it.

In Payton’s absence and with the withdrawal of retired coach Bill Parcells from consideration to replace him in 2012, the Saints’ head coaching position is up in the air.

Anonymous sources have suggested delays in arranging a long-term deal for Drew Brees have been caught on negotiations to have him serve as both quarterback and interim coach in 2012.

“Drew likes being in control, and he knows the playbook as well as anyone, but they’d have to double his salary and find a place to stow a challenge flag and a play sheet on his uniform,” the source said. “They were pretty far apart on that.”

Scrambling to fill their ranks after the conviction and sentencing of five former officers involved in the Danziger Bridge shootings, the New Orleans Police Department was reportedly reaching out to Trayvon Martin killer George Zimmerman.

NOPD brass compiled this police composite to get an idea of how good Trayvon Martin killer George Zimmerman would look in NOPD blues.

“Mr. Zimmerman, acting purely as a civilian, showed the aggressive passion for destroying crime – or anything he thinks even vaguely resembles crime – that we seek in our organization,” NOPD Superintendent Ronal Serpas said.

“If you look at what he accomplished on the Neighborhood Watch, it boggles the mind to imagine what Mr. Zimmerman could do with a badge, a service sidearm, and even more of the authority of the state behind him,” he said.

Serpas went on to defend Zimmerman’s actions, noting that indiscriminately opening fire is often the only way to battle “dangerous crimes” such as simple possession of marijuana and driving with a burned-out license plate light – both offenses that led to the controversial shooting deaths of suspects by NOPD officers in recent weeks.

Serpas said Zimmerman’s “lightning fast” threat escalation technique echoes the NOPD’s mantra of “shoot first, ask questions during the federal investigation.”

“We’ve had to let go a lot of good men in recent months. Men who wouldn’t hesitate to draw their weapons in defense of the law or for any other reason, for that matter. Luckily, there are other people out there willing to pick up the mantle,” he said.

“The bad news is Mr. Zimmerman is being charged in the case, and departmental policy probably wouldn’t let us hire him if he has a criminal record,” Serpas said. “He’s not convicted yet, though, so I’m not absolutely sure.”

Dear Gogo,
My girlfriend of three years recently broke up with me. She caught me in a white lie and said she needed more in a relationship or something. I know I sound like a wimp but I’m not sure I’ll be able to get over her. This has really destroyed me. What should I do?

Signed,
Crushed,
Warehouse District

Dear Crushed,

Sounds like the high maintenance brat did you both a favor, Darlin’. She needed more? Who doesn’t? Hell, I always need more vodka in my martinis but you don’t see me leaving Happy Hour over it.

Who the hell does she think she is – Roger Goodell?

And you – uggh! At what point did this chick destroy, not only your pride, but your man card as well? “Wimp”? That’s giving yourself too much credit. Good grief, Crushed! You’re sobbing so much even I want to break up with you!

I mean, it’s not like she suspended you for a season with no benefits and imposed fines and penalties. It could be a lot worse.
What, you thought you were the only one who’s ever felt loss? Man up and look around!

Oh! Sean Payton! And Vitt, Loomis! Were they given a second chance? If every relationship ended because somebody lied, we’d all be single!

Slip our fragile Roger Goodell a Midol!

The last time I saw a woman’s wrath this harsh I was watching mama hide all my daddy’s ammo and his Barenjager because she thought he’d been using the neighbor’s cats for target practice.

Truth is, I’d been shootin’ at those rodents since I could walk. But he let her think it was him, seeing as how arguing with her was a whole lotta work. That, and he still owed me from our last game of Quarters. Don’t you see, Crushed? We’ve all been through it. We’re all hurting and feeling defeated.

Nicks? … Yum. Porter? … Mmm. Meachum? All gone! Free agents? What’s so “free” about them? First chance they got, they went running to the guy with more money and a fancier car. Where’s the commitment?

We almost lost Colston – oh! Those magical hands! And with every passing day, we’ve been that much closer to possibly losing … dare I say it? … Drew Brees… sigh. Even the possibility …

Like my daddy Mr. Geaux always said, “You’re gonna lose things in life, girl. That’s the harsh fact. Now quit crying. You’ll get your Jameson back when you find me that Barenjager.”

So hush up, Crushed. Festival Season is fast approaching and it’s unacceptable to spend it inside!

Step outside that warehouse condo for a minute and join your fellow New Orleanians. We feel your pain. We’ll all be waiting together, huddled up in front of a big screen and our Happy Hour specials.

We’ll get through this together. After all, we’re always looking for more ways to split up the tab.

Signed,
Gogo

Former Louisiana Gov. Edwin Edwards, speaking at the Baton Rouge Press Club, offered much-needed advice to Gov. Bobby Jindal on why Jindal’s wonky, policy-based scandals are not resonating with voters nationally.

Jindal campaign aide Allee Bautsch and boyfriend Joe Brown were attacked after attending a GOP fundraiser in the French Quarter last April. There was speculation they were attacked by protesters picketing the event, but nothing was proven. Bautsch suffered a broken leg, Brown a broken nose. Jindal could use such luck.

Edwards, the legendary figure who more than upheld the state’s history of flamboyant and often outrageous Louisiana governors before him, noted that Jindal’s major misdeeds to date have been publicly confined to destroying ethics enforcement, decimating the state budget and dismantling public education.

“While that’s been very effective, and he’ll certainly have a prominent place in Louisiana’s history of questionable governance, it’s not winning folks’ hearts,” Edwards said. “He says he’s from Louisiana, but if he doesn’t act like it, conservative voters outside Louisiana aren’t going to believe him.”

“Times have changed since I was a Democratic governor, and given the current level of voter tolerance for almost any hijinks imaginable, I can say with confidence that Bobby needs to find that dead girl or live boy to spice up his national numbers or they’ll think he’s a nobody. He’s going to need something to distract from his record.”

Edwards’ comments came on the heels of Washington Post conservative columnists touting either Jindal or Congressman Paul Ryan, R-Wisconsin, as Mitt Romney’s running mate.

Even local conservative commentator Jeff Crouere wrote of Will picking Jindal: “Obviously, Mr. Will has been in the Beltway for far too long … (and) has been reading too many Jindal press releases about the supposed reforms in Louisiana.

“A real conservative would support real ethics reform, real spending reform, real transparency, real economic development, and would focus on the job he was elected to do,” he wrote.

Even Will invoked the spirit of the great Louisiana gubernatorial tradition in describing the current political climate, saying the time “is ripe for a demagogue such as the Huey Long from Chicago’s Hyde Park” to be re-elected.

Citing Will’s words, Edwards immediately suggested Louisiana U.S. Sen. David Vitter step up and pass some relevant phone numbers to Jindal, “just to get the ball rolling.”

Vitter several years ago was found to have been a client of a call-girl ring run by a woman who became known as the “D.C. Madam.” She killed herself after her conviction for running the operation. Vitter was on the witness list at her trial.

“David (Vitter) and Bobby don’t really get along, but politics makes strange bedfellows, as they say, and David could be a big help here,” Edwards said.

“If David stands Bobby up,” the 84-year-old Edwards vowed, “I myself will take him on what I promise this state will be an epic, booze-fueled nationwide road trip, so I can teach this boy how we painted the town back in the day.

“First stop, he’s going to learn how to shoot craps in a Vegas back alley. Next, we see how much tail we can buy with $68 in one-dollar chips.”

Asked to comment on Edwards’ analysis, several political observers were remarkably quick to agree that Jindal could at least try. After all, they said, while his time as governor has been marked mostly by his time out of state attending to fund raising, there’s a chance that if he’s vice president he might throw a little lagniappe Louisiana’s way.

“One year, Jindal shuts down a bunch of mental health resources in a city (New Orleans) with a crippling violence problem. Another year he fires the first public critic of his educational proposals to stifle comment. Yawn,” said Raymond Gunn, professor at the Southern University Mandela School of Public Policy and Urban Affairs.

“Instead of tossing the state’s system of higher education into limbo, perhaps he could invite some reporters over for some ice cream, whereupon in his freezer they would find the delicate head of an innocent child. It would be a razor-sharp metaphor for the beheading of our education system, at the very least,” Gunn said.

Louisiana Gov. Bobby Jindal traditionally has had trouble maintaining a neatly tied tie because of his thin frame. A crisply tied tie, however, is a must for any national candidate. Jindal lately has accepted former Gov. Edwin Edwards' advice to wear an ascot.

“Or baby steps,” Gunn said. “He could just not wear a tie to an important meeting or something. I mean, this is just an observation, too, but the man’s neck is so thin he just looks funny in a tie. A general rule of thumb is the knot of your tie should not be wider than your neck. Maybe he could try a dickie?”

Republican political consultant Mary Matalin was more blunt.

“Dead babies plural (in his freezer) would make a stronger showing, but one isn’t bad for a maiden effort,” she said, pointing out that Jindal’s next challenge –positioning himself as a credible conservative choice on the national stage – will demand a tough stance on social welfare programs.

“If that dead baby, or a member of its family, has accepted government handouts at any time in the past, that would make Jindal a favorite to fill the role of Mitt Romney’s running mate in November. There’s a hearty appetite for red meat on the right, and Jindal’s learning how to feed the voters.”

“It’s just crucial that any dead children be killed after accepting state support. If there was any indication that the child was terminated in the womb, the pro-life crowd would turn on Jindal like he was an unwed mother,” Matalin said.

Tulane professor and national Democrat pundit and Matalin’s husband James Carville said even for an “idiot Republican, you’d think Jindal could come up with somethin’, fer chrissake.”

“It doesn’t have to be money or even a dead body, but he could at least do something in the going down range, which worked out pretty well for us, and that fella was from Arkansas,” Carville said in an interview at his Tulane office, the walls of which are flecked with spittle and bile.

“I mean, how hard is it to get a damn b—-job or just wear a diaper a la his boy Vitter? I don’t even care if he goes to a hooker. Just wear the damn diaper, and you’ll be a true Louisiana politician,” Carville said, before throwing a credenza through his window for no explained reason.

Louisiana Republican Party chairman Roger Villere, speaking at the bar of the Baton Rouge Press Club event, suggested Jindal just go ask campaign aide Allee Baustch for pointers on how to get the worst of a drunken brawl in the French Quarter, preferably after an official fundraising event.

“Why have there been no pictures of Jindal sprawled in a gutter? No pictures of him reaching out to grab the camera from an insolent photographer? No pictures of him covering his head with a jacket while ducking into a limo … or better yet a police cruiser? My God, it’s like he’s not even one of us!” Villere said.

“Edwards would have done all that, and thrown some sex in there,” Villere said as Edwards nodded his head in agreement nearby with his new, young wife on his arm.

“If the brawl took place after Jindal propositioned a group of teenage Scouts from Des Moines, that would be excellent,” he said. “And if Jindal offered them drugs, then puked on them and then ran for vice president, that would be a return to the star power that made Louisiana famous,” Villere said. “Hell, that would make him a legitimate third-party candidate this year!”

Clearly, Jindal’s geeky, undramatic style of political misbehavior is costing him on the national stage.

Romney campaign manager Matt Rhoades has questioned the possibility of recruiting a Louisiana governor who refuses to “go all the way.” It is not clear if Will’s endorsement will change his mind.

Jindal could not be reached for comment, as he was only available for a photo opportunity showing him helping an old lady cross the street while planning to quietly eliminate state subsidies for her retirement home.

In addition to suspensions, fines and loss of top draft picks levied against the New Orleans Saints for a “pay-for-pain” incentive program, NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell is also planning to officially make the team change its beloved name to the Sinners.

The New Orleans Saints are test marketing various new logos to replace the fleur de lis and match the new team name, the Sinners. Above, the Lord praying over a frustrated Jesus is among the options. Adding to Saints fans' agaony, the Sinners are banned from using the fleur de lis logo, and any such references must be flipped to resemble a trident, or devil's pitchfork.

“This is the worst news since (Saints owner Tom) Benson threatened to change the name to the San Antonio Saints,” fan Arthur Bourgeois of Mid-City said. “They just all taking this way too far.”

Rumors are already flying that Goodell will announce that crowd chants of ‘Bless You Boys’ must be changed to ‘Damn You Heathens!’ and the fleur-de-lis that had been the Saints’ logo – and which has become synonymous with all things New Orleans – must be replaced either with a black and gold trident or a gold and black “666.”

With disgruntled former offensive lineman Kyle Turley calling out Saints quarterback Drew Brees and saying he also knew of bounties, Goodell is expected to cite the NFL’s rules over trademarks and ban any player or fan from ever again referring to Brees as “Bressus.” The league, however, is expected to allow “Breealzebub.”

Turley, as is his custom, pulled out a football helmet and flung it as hard and far as he could in excitement that anyone would take him seriously.

“We are taking this seriously,” Goodell has insisted.

Former Saints defensive coordinator Gregg Williams has admitted that his bounty system, in which 22 to 27 players received bonuses to injure or sideline opponents, was wrong.

“Instead of getting caught up in it, I should have stopped it,” Williams, who left the Saints in the offseason to join the St. Louis Rams, has said in a statement. “But it was so much fun! Come on! Who wouldn’t have wanted to make a few extra bucks smacking Brett Favre the last few years of his career? That should be on Favre, not me!”

Williams’ statement is not expected to help the Saints’ cause.

The NFL investigation is focusing on Saints’ general manager Mickey Loomis for not ending the bounty program when ordered to do so by owner Tom Benson.

Goodell specifically cited section 9.1(C)(8) of the NFL Constitution and By-Laws that the former Saints may have violated:
“No bonus may be paid to any player who does not treat his opponent with gentle, brotherly hugs during play.”

In a bit of good news for the Saints, NFL sources say the league has concluded there was no bounty involved in the broken leg and torn MCL that Saints’ coach Sean Payton suffered on the sideline at the end of a play during an October game versus Tampa Bay.

Under coach Williams’ pay formula, tight end Jimmy Graham, who rolled into Payton’s legs on the sideline during a tackle at the end of the play – severely injuring the coach – stood to collect more than $3,000 from the hit.

Under the Gregg Williams’ formula, Graham should have received a double bonus of $2,000 for the torn MCL and $1,000 for the fractured tibia. If Graham would have waited until the playoffs to maim the coach, those rewards would have doubled.
Since news of the locker-room incentive program surfaced, sources say Payton has refilled his remaining prescription for painkillers in anticipation of the sanctions and the upcoming season.

As for as the name change, fans are surprisingly comfortable with it.

“Hey, let’s face it, the ‘Saints’ were a façade!” lifelong fan Pooky Boudreaux of Harvey said. “We’re sinners. We’re here for sinning. We like sinning. We think sinning’s cute. My good Lord, New Orleans has had bounty programs since Jean Lafitte! Since before America was America! Technically, we should be grandfathered in on this.”

Ryan Charper of Metairie had a much different concern.

“They’re not going to take away alcohol sales in the dome are they? Please tell me they’re not!”

Unfortunately for Charper, Goodell’s sanctions would affect some aspects of Sinners games at the Superdome beginning this season.

The commissioner will almost certainly forbid the playing of the Ying Yang Twins’ and Saints’ anthem “Stand Up and Get Crunk,” because of lyrics in the song, including the chant, “Here we come to get you!” and the lines, “We won’t stop (nope) we keep on coming cause; We won’t quit, that’s why we keep bringin’ hits.”

The NFL’s 50,000-page report on “Bounty-gate” noted that “these are obvious references to a bounty program.” The NFL has not ruled out the Ying Yang Twins’ involvement.

“It all makes sense,” said an NFL source said, noting the Sinners’ team song will be the Billy Joel classic “Only The Good Die Young,” with the lyrics:”

“I’d rather laugh with the Sinners
Than cry with the Saints
The Sinners are much more fun
Only the good die young.”

“Roger (Goodell) can live with that,” the source said. “It’s snappy and has a good beat.”

A frustrated New Orleans Mayor Mitch Landrieu, working on urban issues ranging from a rising violent crime rate to paying off traffic tickets for city workers, called on the Sewerage and Water Board to test the local water supply to see if New Orleans’ penchant for sinning may be bacteria based.

“We want to see if it’s in the water,” the mayor said, “and then see what Gregg Williams was drinking.”

In the wake of the growing pay-for-plays scandal that has rocked the New Orleans Saints and sullied its “America’s Team” image, fans are banding together to track down and punish the scheme’s instigator, former defensive coordinator Gregg Williams.

The man known as "The Fan with No Name."

Although currently only facing discipline for running a program that paid Saints players to injure their opponents, Williams is now implicated in running similar programs in Tennessee, Buffalo, and Jacksonville, drawing fan ire league-wide.

Bounties for anyone who brings Williams to justice range from $13,000 in Nashville to over $400,000 in New Orleans, according to the many fans who have begun scouring the country to find the disgraced coach.

The rewards have drawn bounty hunters from far and wide.

“I’ll find him. And when I do, he’ll pay. And when he pays, I’ll collect,” said a poncho-clad, taciturn man who has come, in some circles, to be referred to as, “The Fan with No Name.”

Williams has not been seen since leaving a meeting with NFL officials in New York, from which he emerged tarred and feathered before mounting a horse and riding hell-for-leather to the west.

BERLIN – According to a hastily scrawled missive in lipstick on a bathroom mirror, Germany has left its EU partners after a daring late night escape from their shared Prague apartment. Germany has not indicated whether it will return.

The private Germany was reportedly embarrassed to have been dragged onto "Europen Cheaters" by Greece.

“The bastard went complete coyote,” France said this morning. “Gnawed his own arm off so he could sneak out without waking anybody up. Poor Portugal was snuggled-up with just a dismembered arm with a “Falco Immer” tattoo and black fingernail polish. Portugal screamed for 30 minutes.”

What started as an orgy of intercontinental love has famously turned sour in recent months as other EU partners became increasingly reliant on Germany to fill both a financial and emotional void to keep the family solvent.

Sources close to the Union say trouble has been simmering since early 2007 when Greece finally was able to talk Germany into co-signing a credit card.

“Germany figured Greece practically invented modern currency, so surely they could handle a little plastic,” Germany’s long-time financial advisor, Switzerland, said. “Germany was warned that would be like reanimating a Wright brother and sticking him behind the wheel of a Gulfstream.

“The deeper Germany got in, the worse it got,” Switzerland said. “It got to the point where half of Germany’s cash flow was tied up with all these whores he was picking up off the streets of Europe. I told Germany all about protection, but Germany didn’t listen.”

In a brief phone interview, an embarrassed Germany offered only a rambling, cursory explanation for his abrupt and dramatic exit.

“What can I say, it was a gang-bang that got real. We were all experimenting. That’s all there is to it. It started off innocently enough, a little champagne at a party over at France’s place, a few friends come over, a game of wristwatch in the fishbowl. … I just deluded myself into the idea that it could work.

Germany said the future right now is uncertain.

“Look, I got a history. Relationships aren’t my thing. Italy and France really ought to know that. Change is difficult,” Germany said. “My only regret? Sweet, dear, little Luxembourg. I never meant to make you cry.”

In the wake of federal plea deals struck by Aaron Broussard’s ex-wife and his former top aide, sources close to the former Jefferson Parish president said Broussard has agreed to cooperate with prosecutors and testify against himself in the hope of getting some of the charges dropped.

“Clearly the noose was tightening around Broussard. The feds had already secured the testimony of several of his closest associates,” legal scholar Jason Walker said. “Clearly, Broussard’s self-interest has surpassed his loyalty to himself.”

Broussard’s change of heart came on the heels of federal plea deals for his ex-wife Karen Parker and his former chief administrative officer Tim Whitmer. Whitmer and Parker both pleaded guilty to the minor charge of misprison of a felony, implying they had substantially assisted the prosecution.

“Really, the only witness left who could add cement to the case against Broussard was Aaron, so it was important that he take a deal while the feds were still making offers,” a member of Broussard’s legal team said on the condition of anonymity.

Although Broussard has not spoken publicly about his decision to assist federal prosecutors, his testimony is expected to be explosive and damning to the defense’s case.

“If there’s one guy who knows where all of Aaron Broussard’s skeletons are buried, it’s probably Aaron Broussard,” Walker said.
“But he better watch out, because with all this new information the feds will come down on him like a ton of bricks. I don’t know if his testimony will be enough to pull him out of the fire. I know he better not perjure himself or his attorneys will tear him apart.”

The long and agonizing nightmare is finally over for the honky parents of little Kimberly White, the adorable, Aryan five-year old who went missing from her parent’s backyard in Baton Rouge early last month.

Police announced yesterday that the young girl, whose recent disappearance captured the attention of the country, had finally been found and that despite being understandably shaken, she is still alive and safe.

Such a lovely white dot.

Sheriff Garrett Williams of BRPD explained that a search unit had been scouring the woods outside of Lafayette when the sound of crying children led them to an abandoned cabin, inside of which little Kimberly was struggling for survival. Further inspection revealed she was stuck under an impressive heap of nameless minority children, all of whom were making it very difficult to rescue her.

“It took a while to dislodge her from all the tiny brown kids,” the sheriff said. “You could barely make out her faint little cries over all that infernal screaming and wailing going on. But fortunately we were able to helicopter in a hazmat crew, who bravely sifted through the pile of dark flesh with a stick and a flashlight, and eventually they managed to reach her safely, just in time for supper.”

“We’re all just overwhelmed with joy that this is finally over,” said Kimberly’s auburn-haired, blue-eyed mother, Susan B. White. “We thank God for giving us our beautiful baby girl back” she added. Greg White, the girl’s father, said “This is nothing short of a miracle. We feel truly blessed to have our wonderful White family back together again.”

The news also came as a relief to thousands of volunteers who dedicated weeks to searching far and wide for the child and raising awareness of her disappearance, and millions of Americans who stayed faithfully glued to the case’s round-the-clock news coverage-consisting primarily of tearful, uninformative interviews and perpetual, heartwarming slideshows -were also pleasantly surprised by the happy ending.

Authorities say they are now working diligently to track down the owner of the cabin as well as actively pursuing a number of leads.

When asked about the other children in the cabin, Sherriff Williams assured the public that the non-white babies we being gingerly dusted for prints and carefully gathered up to be collectively submitted as evidence in the case. “There’s no need to worry” he said, “When we finally catch this monster, and we will, you can rest assured there won’t be a mistrial on account of our handling of this investigation.”