SerpasQuitter

Departed police chief’s teaching career to focus on skewing stats, hurting morale, leaving

By Rudy Matthew Vorkapic
The Levee surpass writer 

Freshly retired New Orleans police chief Ronal Serpas’ new career as a tenured faculty member with the Loyola University Department of Criminal Justice will see him instructing classes only someone with his unique law enforcement background can teach.

Among the classes Serpas will lead are: “Fudg… Read the rest

RobinCloudMAIN

Robin Williams is right above us, all around us, all the time – Nanu nanu!

By Rudy Matthew Vorkapic
The Levee in the clouds writer 

Had the idea of taking a picture with my hand to the sky in an Orkan salute to Mork when Robin Williams showed up.

There were hardly any clouds in the sky Tuesday morning, just a few wisps against the brightest blue heaven on the sunniest of days in New Orleans. Numbing news of the performer’s passing … Read the rest

VitterAnnouncesMAIN

Louisiana’s very own Weiner – Sen. David Vitter – running for governor

By Rudy Matthew Vorkapic
The Levee political slut writer

In what can only be described as a perfect fit for Louisiana, David Vitter, who yesterday was  ranked as the least effective member of the U.S. Senate, has announced he is running for governor of the state.

If elected next year, Louisiana’s junior senator would follow in the least effective foo… Read the rest

RodmanUncleMAIN

BREAKING LEVEE NEWS: North Korean leader Kim Jong Un kills Rodman’s uncle

By Rudy Matthew Vorkapic
The Levee Un-cle writer

REPORTING FROM THE LEVEE’S ALGIERS-ZEERA BUREAU – North Korean leader Kim Jong Un killed Dennis Rodman’s uncle Wednesday as the two celebrated Kim’s 31st birthday together.

Kim had Rodman’s uncle, Pennis Rodman, 51, thrown into a cage full of starving North Koreans just minutes after Rodma… Read the rest

CruzConstitutionMAIN

Cruz proposes changing “We the People” to “I the People,” threatens filibuster, shutdown; Vitter concurs

By Rudy Matthew Vorkapic
The Levee Cruzade writer

On the heels of losing his government shutdown crusade over defunding Obamacare, Republican Texas Sen. Ted Cruz is proposing a Constitutional amendment allowing him to rewrite the U.S. Constitution.

With most fellow Republicans dubbing this fight his “Cruzade,” Cruz publicly offered his rewritin… Read the rest

PopeBensonMAIN1105x705

Pope John Paul II cleared to become a Saint; Sean Payton to use him in the kicking game

By Rudy Matthew Vorkapic
The Levee Saints writer

Pope John Paul II was cleared Friday to become a Saint, and coach Sean Payton says he expects great things from the pontiff when he joins the team Dec. 8.

“Pope John Paul II instantly gives me great faith in our kicking game,” Payton told reporters gathered from around the world at the team’s Metairie pract… Read the rest

The New Orleans Levee Newspaper is a New Orleans satire publication founded on Aug. 29, 2006. We publish monthly and distribute all over the Crescent City and metro area. The Levee's motto is simple, "We Don't Hold Anything Back".

Recent News

Take the Ronal Serpas/Clancy Wiggum quotation challenge!

SerpasWiggumICON

By Rudy Matthew Vorkapic
The Levee animated reality writer

Below are quotes from newly retired New Orleans police Superintendent Ronal Serpas and Springfield Police Chief Clancy Wiggum of “The Simpsons.”

Can you tell whose is whose? Answers below.

1. ”9-1-1. This better be good.”

2. “You want community policing to be … Read the rest

Read More

Ray Nagin will, in fact, blame Lee Zurik for “everything” at trial

MostWantedFEATURE11914

By Rudy Matthew Vorkapic
The Levee damned media writer

New Orleans Levee sources confirm former Mayor Ray Nagin’s defense to 21 federal corruption charges while in office will focus on blaming “everything” on local bulldog reporter Lee Zurik,  as reported by The Levee five years ago.

Nagin will argue he was “an unwilling pawn cRead the rest

Read More

New Orleans residents most hopeful snofall today is cherry flavor

SnoBallsFEATURE

By Rudy Matthew Vorkapic
The Levee sneaux ball writer

Twenty-three percent of New Orleans residents unfamiliar with snow falling from the sky are hoping it comes down cherry flavor, followed closely by grape, then lemon, according to a New Orleans Levee Newspaper poll.

In a separate Levee poll, the vast majority of residents believe “snow,” … Read the rest

Read More

Katrina the Clown gives Nagin pat on back from city at start of corruption trial

NaginFirstDayFEATURE

By Rudy Matthew Vorkapic
The Levee dickhead mayor writer

Katrina the Clown, former New Orleans Mayor Ray Nagin’s mute former spokesperson and one of the few who worked for him not in or headed to prison, gave the ex-mayor a pat on the back on behalf of the city as he entered federal court for the start of jury selection in his corruption trial Monday.

Nagin … Read the rest

Read More

Saints replace stink of Eagles logo on field to prepare for Seahawks

SeahawksPractice1

By Rudy Matthew Vorkapic
The Levee baby eagles writer

As the New Orleans Saints prepare for Saturday’s game vs. Seattle with a Seahawks logo on their practice field, The New Orleans Levee Newspaper has uncovered the only known photo of the practice field last week sporting the logo of the fan-spitting, player-whining Philadelphia Eagles.

The Eagle… Read the rest

Read More

Yo! Philly fans wanna put a cheesesteak through Saints’ hearts, like, fur-real

IgglesFansICON

By Rudy Matthew Vorkapic
The Levee Saints vs. Iggles writer

In what is already being called “the worst use of resources in Philadelphia since the Andy Reid era,” police there will dress as New Orleans Saints fans Saturday to patrol Lincoln Financial Field for violent Eagles fans, or “bird brains.”

Critics of the plan note that undercover Philly off… Read the rest

Read More

Entergy says its response to upcoming storm was ‘outstanding’

CharlesRiceCrystalBallICON

By Rudy Matthew Vorkapic
The Levee storm response writer

Entergy New Orleans CEO Charles Rice announced Friday that his company’s response to the upcoming Tropical Storm Karen “is the best we’ve ever done.”

Widely criticized for its preparedness and hyping its response to Hurricane Isaac last year even as much of the area was without electricity … Read the rest

Read More

McDonald’s introduces Matty Melt sandwich in Atlanta, New Orleans

MattyMeltICON9302013

By Rudy Matthew Vorkapic
The Levee lovin’ it writer

McDonald’s is debuting its new Matty Melt, a cheesy, meatless and scorched sandwich, in honor of struggling Atlanta Falcons’ quarterback Matt “Matty Ice” Ryan.

The quarterback has gone by the nickname “Matty Ice” since high school for his reputation of ke… Read the rest

Read More

The Creation … by Michelangelo di ‘Who Dat’ Lodovico Buonarroti Simoni

BreesPassFINALFeatureICON

By Jon Bogran
and Al Wrinkle
and Rudy Matthew Vorkapic
The Levee we believe writers

The New Orleans Saints’ journey to a second Super Bowl could not have gotten off to a better start as He today announced His pick to win the 2012-13 Super Bowl.

Saints’ quarterback Drew Brees, just hours before the first NFL preseason game of the 2012-13 season betw… Read the rest

Google Earth destroyed by Google Asteroid

GoogleAsteroid64

By Jon Bogran
The Levee digital doomsday writer

PALO ALTO, Calif. – Google scientists grimly reported yesterday that the doomsday scenario they have secretly dreaded for years has finally come to pass – Google Earth, the beloved virtual planet allowing users to indulge random, voyeuristic whims, has been obliterated by a massive, 47 megabyte-wide a… Read the rest

State pulls out of funding for local porn industry

VitterDiaperHead64FEATURE

By Mike Smith
The Levee former porn star writer

In another step toward a more visibly conservative Louisiana, the state senate recently moved to deny tax credits to producers of pornographic films.

Senate Bill 513 by Sen. A. G. Crowe, R-Slidell, prohibits tax breaks to filmmakers if the film is pornographic.

“I don’t have a definition of pornography,… Read the rest

Tim Tebow pregnant
with The Antichrist

TimTebow53WEBFEATURE

THIRD-YEAR QB AND DEVOUT CHRISTIAN FACES MORAL DILEMMA

By Jon Bogran
The Levee dental writer

New York Jets quarterback and Christian football hero, Tim Tebow, famous for his seemingly miraculous ability to defy critics and lead his team to clumsy victories at crucial moments, received the earth-shattering news late last month that, despite all scientif… Read the rest

Protesters act to save Katrina wreckage

SODS64WEBFEATURE

GARBAGE PICKUP DISRUPTED CITYWIDE TO SAVE DWINDLING FLOOD REMNANTS

By Alexa Surinck
The Levee next to Godliness writer

An extremely loose coalition of preservationists, concerned citizens from other states, and incredibly stubborn locals has succeeded in disrupting trash collection in parts of Orleans Parish in an attempt to prevent the removal of dw… Read the rest

Brees contract talks stalled over Benson Tower offices

BreesSubShop64WEBFEATURE

By Rudy Matthew Vorkapic
The Levee yes sir Mr. Benson writer

NFL sources have told The Levee that negotiations between Drew Brees and the New Orleans Saints have been stuck at an impasse over team owner Tom Benson’s insistence that the QB rent Benson Tower offices for his charitable foundation.

The state pays Benson high rents for state office space as … Read the rest